I've been hearing a lot lately about "Man Speak" and "Woman Speak" and how the two often don't overlap. While I think that these gender definitions are pretty limited, there is some benefit to exploring them here so that we can understand how to adjust accordingly when dealing with clients.
DISCLAIMER: I am about to make some HUGE generalizations. They are not intended to mean that EVERY MAN or EVERY WOMAN speaks in this fashion. They are only meant as aggregate samples for illustration purposes only.
Man-Speak
Men tend to be bottom-line speakers. The focus of the conversation is on communicating the problem and coming up with a solution. Rarely are emotions considered in either the content or context of the conversation. (In other words, men tend to say what they think straight up without much thought as to how the person receiving the communication will feel about it.)
For Instance: A man says "this thing didn't get done, when are you going to do it?" And that's ALL he means. He's not placing blame, he's not trying to make you feel bad, he's being task-oriented and simply wants a response. Another man (or woman) who speaks man-speak would simply answer the question and go on with their day.
On the other hand, because it wasn't couched in terms such as "I'm not upset about this not being done yet, I just need a timetable for it so that I can plan accordingly", a woman speaking woman-speak might get upset thinking that she had just been upbraided for not having completed the project yet. Because she assumes that there is always more to the message than is said.
Woman-Speaku
Women on the other hand, are intensely aware of the emotional content and context of the message and as such are more likely to talk around the issue to leave space for the receiver to decide how and when to receive the message in a way that is more conducive to emotional harmony and well-being.
For instance: A woman may say "we need more paper for the copier" when she means "would you buy more paper for the copier?" In offering up the comment in this way, she gives the receiver the option of asking her to buy the paper or in offering to purchase the paper themselves. In the latter case, the receiver does what the woman wanted, but they also get to be a good person for offering to do it. It's considered a gracious way of asking in woman-speak.
The downside of this type of communication is that it tends to fail to actually make a request or point and can be lost on someone else who is not skilled in this communication style. Let's take the same example. If the comment "we need more paper" were made to a man (or woman) who is not skilled in this form of communication, then it is likely that he will simply take it as a statement of fact, not as a request. He merely assumes that she is talking out loud to herself and will take no action.
The Problem
The challenge lies not in the styles of communication themselves, but in an inconsistent use of them. Either style works fine when all parties are using the same form. It is when the person speaking and the person listening have different styles that it becomes a challenge.
Not Just These Styles
There are many styles of communication. As agents, it is our job to keep those communication styles in mind as we try to connect with clients and prospects. If you're not making a connection, perhaps your communication style is out of sync with the person you are speaking to. Shift gears and try again. If in doubt, ask someone exactly what they meant. It's always OK to clarify - it shows you're listening.
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Kelle Sparta is the author of The Consultative Real Estate Agent - Building Relationships that Create Loyal Clients, Get More Referrals, and Increase Your Sales, as well as being a speaker and trainer specializing in the real estate industry. Kelle is the founder of Sparta Success Systems, a real estate training company that provides tools, products, and training to empower agents and brokers to create lives and businesses they can love. For more information, visit her website at http://www.spartasuccess.com/. © 2008, Kelle Sparta.
Excellent analysis, Kelle. There is a book by Deborah Tannen, You Just Don't Understand, that really addresss the differences between speaking "male" and "female".
Interesting.....I just checked out your site......The ERA training for agents sounds fun :) I enjoy training and facilitating workshops and seminars....there's a certain exhilaration when I am training :)
As a woman I guess, after reading this, that I am more comfortable with man-speak. I don't want to guess at what someone wants, just tell me. Good point about shifting gears in an effort to establish better communications.